|
MY STORY
Forty years of unhealthy choices about nicotine had to start somewhere.
Chapter One
I use 10 - 15 dryer sheets at a time when I dry my clothes. I have never read the box, I do not know the alloted amount. I just think it's not 15.
These three sentences are the entire story of my life. I was born a chronic mal content. I don't know if it's a genetic condition; I just know "more is better".
Is that wrong?
I am working on a way to use this talent for the good of all humanity. In the mean time, I am just busy living life to the fullest. Living life, of course, offers several areas for complaining, moments of fulfillment for the chronic mal content.
TSA SECURITY
As of some time in August, the guys who make rules banned bringing liquids through airport secirity.
Not a problem - chug-a-lug what you were drinking on the drive to the airport, clear security and pay $4 for a bottle of water in the airport Gift Shop.
I have been called a germ-a-phob. I am not vigilant to all germs but I do admit to being concerned about what's flying around in that metal cylander I am about to board. I sit down with my $4 bottle of water, take an Airbourne from my carry on and begin to mix it. Before the tablet is fully disolved, I am charged by three TSA employees who take me to a small room. I try to explain the Airbourne. Perhaps they are not germ concious.
I appreciate the need for security but a near strip search, taking everything apart that comes apart in my carry on and calling my doctor to verify the inahlers I have with me are really perscribed to me seems a little over the top. But, if you look at me closely, I do have a terrorist look about me.
|
TATTOO I had my grandson's initials (E.G.O.) tattoo'd on my breast. I certainly enjoyed having my breast held for 20 minutes and am contemplating having a lot more work done
|
No matter how many pictures I take,
this one seems to tell the story best!
CHAPTER THREE
My First Born Child
I gave birth to my first child on November 13, 1974. It seemed pretty pointless in the beginning. It was a lot of work for a very small return. He didn't do much more then wet and cry. Periodically he would poop and look at me like he had done something really special. It was a more tedious clean up job; beyond that I couldn't see much difference. Those of us who have survived childhood, ours and theirs, know how this whole story evolves. Countless books have been published on the subject but people keep having children in spite of that knowledge. Children turn in to the devil spawn at about age 12/13 and become bi-lingual with Grunt being their primary language. They wear clothes that have no relationship to their body size. Their pants are so large, in fact, there is room for a homeless family of four in there with them.
If they, and you, can survive adolescence, your child becomes an adult and you wait for the revenge that comes when they have a child
|
FOR MY FRIENDS WHO PLAN AHEAD
Print this, fill it out and leave it with a trusted friend!
Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Nor in the hands of lawyers and/or doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least two of the following:
Tequila Sunrise
Vodka and Cranberry
A few very good tokes
Margarita
Dry Martini
Daquiri
Shrimp salad with avocado
Lobster or crab legs
Bowl of ice cream
GOOD Tacos
Chocolate
New shoes
A cup of strong French Roast coffee
Or GOOD sex........
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct
my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the
plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. Thank you.
At that point, it is time to call a New Orleans Blues / Rock and Roll Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had! I love you all.
Signature: ___________________________
Date: ________________________________
* I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are much happier and they have a lot more visitors!
|
CHAPTER FIVE
Have you ever traveled and had folks tell you "have a safe trip home"? Do they think you have any control over it? Are they saying, "don't get in the plane and threaten to hijack it"? If they are, why don't they just say that?
It's something like telling me to "drive safely" - I always want to ask, "you mean oppossed to how I usually drive, ignoring all posted speed limts and other traffic signs?"
|
|
|
